Didn’t post yesterday but this weekend I haven’t felt too terrible which is awesome. Whenever I feel good i get so excited and think I’m good good but then the usual night misery starts 😦 I wonder if it’s normal to feel the worst at certain times of the day. For me it is always around 7-10ish. I can always tell when I’m starting to feel bad because at first it starts out subtle and then I slowly start to feel weird and dizzy. It really sucks. Hopefully one day I won’t have to fear evenings. I miss the days when I didn’t look at the clock and think ‘oh time to feel awful again.’
Friday I sorta hit a brick wall. I was looking online and I read some horror stories of people who haven’t been cured for years. The more stories I read the more worried I got. I started thinking that would be me.. Never being fully cured from this living hell. I cried to my roommate for over an hour. Right now I can’t imagine a life without Lyme but I try to believe that one day I won’t have this disease. It’s a really hard thing to do because one day everything is semi-okay and then the next day everything is just miserable. There is no consistency with this illness and that is the worst part. There is absolutely no way to predict what will happen and there’s no clear cut way to get better. That is scary to me. Maybe I will get better or maybe I’ll just have to deal with this my whole life???
When I feel normal it’s awesome. I almost forget that I am sick and I can be myself and laugh and be silly. But then when I feel sick I just sit there and think ‘wow this is really my life.’ I often catch myself thinking like ‘why me????’ I’ve always considered myself to be an optimist but when I feel sick that all changes. I get miserable and upset and start thinking I’m never going to get better. I’ll sometimes tell my mom I’m gonna stop taking my medicine because there’s no point and it’s a waste of money. That’s just how I feel at that moment. It sounds stupid because obviously I need to kill the bacteria inside my body but honestly I don’t even care about that. I just want to feel normal again 24/7. If I have the bacteria but I feel normal that would be 100% okay with me. It probably sounds crazy to a normal person but to me it makes complete sense.
Getting through hardships is ALL mental. I really need to start believing that one day I won’t have to deal with this and I can go back to being normal Sam. It is so so difficult to believe that right now.
The day I am 100% recovered will be the best day of my life.